Matthew Fray - One Man's Public Revelations on How to Save Your Marriage.

When I first read Matthew Fray's Post, "She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes in the Sink," I think I wept openly. Finally, someone brave enough to share his deep self-examination on why his marriage had ended. Someone who, rather than bitch and blame, rather than go to the next La-La Land experience, did a deep dive into his pain and his responsibility for his choices. Yes HIS choices.

There is so much to gain from spending time on Fray's Blog, "You Must be This Tall to Ride". https://mustbethistalltoride.com/ There are lots of self-help sources for woman going through struggles, including the end of a marriage. Fray offers real insight for you men. Read it. It won't hurt and it could possibly save you (and your children!) from a life time of soul crushing regret.

I particularly like his statement that divorce is the biggest social crisis of our time. I do divorce work, and I couldn't agree more. My belief is not based upon any religious dogma, requiring us to "honor our vows". Quite the opposite, marriage is a place where, if we come to it with open hearts, we can grow to be the best people possible. Even through the strife, in fact, especially because of the strife.

Thirty years ago, my own marriage was solidified when my future husband and I shared a love of Dr. Scott Peck, and his groundbreaking book, The Road Less Travelled." Peck opined that there are two reasons that marriage is necessary. First, it is a good container for the raising of children and Second, "because we need the friction." Marriage is the best institution in which to hone ones self, to polish off the rough edges, to understand what "extending yourself on behalf of the other"(one definition of love I subscribe to) truly means.

My husband and I have been through some rocky rides over the last thirty years, but they pale in contrast to the heights I would never have been able to reach alone.

I've spent more than a few hours, counseling clients to see if there wasn't something to save in their marriage. Matthew Frey know, first hand, the price for not doing that work.

Don't get me wrong. Sometimes there is no choice but to end a relationship. A friend, torn by her religious commitment to marriage, shared her counselor's admonishment. "A marriage? I do not see a marriage. A contract, yes. But a marriage no." You get to decide if your marriage is worth the work. Some things are "non-negotiables". (My family laughs when I use such borderline legal terms for real life.). Physical violence. A pattern of verbal abuse. Malignant narcissism (so trendy these days). But your marriage should not die through neglect and thoughtlessness. Fray's new book, "This is How Your Marriage Ends." is great step. https://mustbethistalltoride.com/2021/07/28/introducing-my-new-book-this-is-how-your-marriage-ends-now-available-for-preorder/

And if you are called to end your marriage, do it with dignity. It's the least you can do for yourself.